An Open Letter to My Very Special Neighbors

Dear Loudsex Neighbors,

 

Well!  I feel like I know you already, even though we've never met.  As your neighbor (and, as such, auditory participant in your nocturnal activities) I wanted to drop you a line and offer some feedback on last night's performance.

 

First, I suppose, congratulations are in order.  You seem to have been able to take personal intimate performance to new, pornoriffic levels.  Wow!  I'm really impressed!  Forty-five minutes is a very long time to be able to continue such strenuous activity, and you should really be proud of yourselves for your level of physical fitness. 

 

Although a passing jet tragically obscured what I'm sure was a most spectacular conclusion to your encounter, I trust that it was satisfactory for all involved, and that--despite the manic squeaking of what I assume was your bed--no furniture collapsed or otherwise harmed you.

 

Now, I understand that you were a little distracted, but I just wanted to take a moment to speak with you about your kind sharing of what appears to be your favorite activity.  Hobbies are great!  But now that the summer months are upon us, your open window--located just thirty unobstructed feet from my own--does allow me slightly more unfettered access to your romantic pursuits than I would generally be inclined to have. 

 

Although your enthusiastic vocalizations provide an interesting harmonic addition to the constant sound of cars rushing by, I have to say that your contributions to the neighborhood soundscape have not always been as aesthetically enjoyable for me as they sound like they have been for you.

 

I know that you care deeply about the emotional health of the community which surrounds you, so I wanted to gently remind you of a few things.  Perhaps you have forgotten that it has been longer than I care to mention since such encounters have been a part of my own repertoire of activities.  While some people might be content with vicariously participating in your frequent and joyful exertions, I have not been moved to do so--perhaps because I have been unable to obtain a full and uninterrupted night's sleep since the two of you began to share your extraordinary exercises. 

 

Also, I wanted to thank you for giving me the opportunity to discuss the situation when my daughter--upon hearing your joyful noise through her bedroom window--asked if you were OK.

 

Thanks for being so understanding--and remember to stay hydrated!

 

Sincerely,

Your Neighbor