Helpful Suggestions for a Stress Free Heatwave

1. Don't live on the third floor.
2. If you must live on the third floor, make sure that either
(a) the building next door is far enough away that you can get a frickin' breath of wind, or
(b) the wiring can take an air conditioner without fire danger.
3. In absence of those suggestions, keep yourself well-stocked with fans.
4. If you buy fans, buy them fully assembled.
5. If you cannot buy fans fully assembled, do not wait until it is 92 degrees in your apartment before you start assembling them.
6. If you must assemble them in an apartment roughly the temperature of the inside of your mouth, don't then have 10 children over at your house in an attempt to facilitate the continuation of your daughter's Spanish class, which found itself without a home for the week.
7. If you have said children over, do not give them sticky things to eat or drink.
8. Don't drop an overhead projector on your toe, possibly dislocating or breaking it to judge by the all-consuming pain and alarming bruising on said toe, or else you will spend the whole rest of the night in intense pain and embarrassed by your own stupidity, plus calls to the doctor's office to see if broken toes need to be treated immediately (which would require the entire family to get up and spend about six tortuous hours in the ER) all to find that your toe is fine the next morning, just a little bruised.
9. If you're living with your ex-partner, don't assume that they will understand that your crankiness about all of this is but a necessary part of life, much like picking up the clog of hair from the shower drain or cooking when your apartment is warmer than your own armpit.
10. Own a barbecue grill.
11. Encourage your friends not to be moving out of their apartments this week, because you'll have to help then.