Re Boot

Hello! It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. In those three or four years the internet has largely moved away from blogs. I can’t keep up; I’m now an Old instead of a Young. That’s ok. I feel pretty good about making it this far.

I now have nearly 40 years in this bright beautiful world, and I’ve learned a few things. One is that if I’m not regularly engaging my intellect, I become a monster-napping lazybones. Another is that facebook sucks my creative juices dry. Contrary to what I was assured, student loans aren’t “good debt.” I don’t have a natural talent for networking. I have natural limitations, and I pay attention to them.

Things have changed pretty drastically since my last post in 2012, and also have stayed very much the same. I’m still poor--even poorer than before, although I didn’t think that was possible. I’m still sick, with health issues that won’t quite go into remission, but less sick than I was then. I put on some weight. The teen has grown up and become a legal adult, living at home with me while she finishes school. I’ve fallen in and out of love a few times. I got a dog, he died, and I got another dog. As Kurt Vonnegut says, so it goes. Still have the same cat, though.

My intention is to now use this blog as an exploratory writing space to talk about my own intersectionality, particularly in terms of class, race, gender, ability, and sexual orientation. I’ll also complain about these things a fair amount, I’m guessing, because that’s also how it goes. I also want to talk about books, TV, movies, articles, social justice, farming, and other randomness.

Hope you’re down for the reboot. Hope I am too.

This sickness doth infect the very life-blood of our enterprise

I'm sick. This is going to be one of those personal self-disclosing medical blog things, so if you don't like those, you can go look at this instead. Really, I don't mind.

October 2009 (slightly over baseline: 155)

The last few years haven't been good ones for me, medically. I've had three surgeries in two years related to my endometriosis, and for longer than I can remember I've thought there was something wrong with my immune system--something that came and went. But it went often enough that I could sort of ignore it, and so I went with that.

Then, around Christmas-time this year, people started asking me if I was losing weight. I was pleased. I'd put on some weight at the desk job I had before this one (2008-2010), and was at the heavier end of my regular weight spectrum. And I didn't think much more of it. I figured my body was leveling itself off: I had had major surgery in September 2010, and I guessed it could be related to that, somehow.

July 2010 (About average: 145)

Until... (and there's always an until in medical stories, right?) I noticed that some glands were swollen on the right side of my neck all the time. And my weight kept sliding down, more and more quickly. I got thrush. I was exhausted all the time. The doctor kept testing me for scarier and scarier things. I got poked, prodded, CT scanned, X-Rayed, and had enough blood drawn to feed a healthy-sized vampire.  Nothing showed up. Nothing. And I wasn't feeling better. I started to relate to the people on MYSTERY DIAGNOSIS, which is never a good thing.

April 2011 (130 lbs)

I was shrinking out of my clothes, but the doctor seemed pretty sure that it was just stress, and it seemed plausible, because I've certainly had my share of that in the last 12 months.

So we tried a psychotropic med change, which is its own special kind of fun. Ha.  That helped my mood a bit, but not the appetite or the weight.

Then, in June, after sounding out my theories with my massage therapist and a couple of friends, I brought them to my doctor.
1. The estrogen prescribed to me wasn't working somehow, or the weight loss was a side effect.
2. Stress. Possible, although I'd never experienced this particular side effect of stress. Usually I eat a lot when I'm stressed. But I am open to the effect that emotions and mental health can have on the body.
3. Gluten. I can hear the collective eye-rolling. I have done some of that myself, which is why I never suggested it to my doc before. Gluten is the new darling of the health-food nuts. People want to connect it to everything from weight loss to autism. But several people said that they had friends who gained weight on a gluten-free diet, because the gluten was affecting how they absorbed nutrients. So I asked my doc, and she gave me the blood test.

June 2011 (125 lbs)

And guess what? My blood tests were literally off the charts: Celiac disease. Which explains a lot about the weight loss and fatigue (I've been literally starving), the immune problems, the bruising, the swollen glands.

I've been on a gluten-free diet since July 5, and I haven't gained any weight yet, but I'm hoping that it will help.  I still have some procedures to be performed (hello, invasive camera down my throat!). The fatigue was a LOT better for the first week and has come back, and I'm still learning how to eat in a brand new way. This causes me no small amount of anxiety, because my celiac symptoms are atypical--I don't get the GI symptoms that many people experience, so I don't have any way of knowing if I'm accidentally eating gluten and further damaging my insides. This is terrifying.

I'm also in a bit of mourning for the things I can't have, although there are now (expensive) gluten-free alternatives for most foods. But I'll probably not ever be able to leave my house expecting that I can just pick something up on the way someplace. I'll have to bring my own food to family meals (gluten AND dairy free is a lot to ask of someone cooking a big holiday meal). It's not the end of the world, but there's a definite sadness around eating right now.

 I promise that this won't become a celiac blog. There are plenty of those. But I may, from time to time, update my health condition here.  Mostly I don't think about it, except at meal times. I like the challenge of learning new ways to cook and eat, and I feel blessed that this is happening at the height of fresh food season, so I can gorge on fresh fruits and vegetables without completely breaking the bank while getting all the calories I need.

Also, big shout-outs to some gf friends who have guided me through this tough time. You know who you are. If you want to be known, post your links in the comments. :)

Administrative Note

Just a quick process note: I've disabled anonymous commenting.  Your opinions are welcome here, but please be prepared to stand behind them.

Unspeakable

As noted, I never write here about the hard things until well after they're over.  In part, I am intensely private about strong emotions (the Tween claims that she has only seen me cry twice before these past weeks), but I also am hesitant to put down in writing anything that is unconsidered. 

So here's the short, but considered, update:

At the end of May, I had some surgery on my lady parts, hoping that they would be less excruciating for me in the long run.  The surgery itself was successful and my recovery fairly fast; I am now mostly back to normal, and the pain is much improved even over my pre-surgery state.  It will be some time before I know whether it was a total success, and I still get tired fairly quickly, but I am now almost completely healed.

Three weeks ago the Princess and I decided to postpone the wedding for a year.  This was a difficult and emotional process for me, since I am rigid in my thinking have a very hard time changing gears.  But truly, with a little time and perspective I am seeing that this is actually a smart decision; we may even be able to plan the wedding for the Princess' homeland, which is her true wish.  And I do like to grant princess wishes.

Then, almost two weeks ago, my dear aunt Becky passed away suddenly. In the absence of my mother, my father's sisters Becky and Cathy have been surrogates for me, together making up the most important adult female influence in my life so far.  I was, and still am, devastated by this loss.  Last week is a blur; there are big chunks of it that I don't even remember.  This week my weeping has decreased to about once a day, and I am able to be alone, but I still can't read the condolence cards my lovely friends have sent, and I still am stunned that I must wake up and go to work and eat and sleep.  

The result of all this is that I feel a little tilted; my little universe has undergone a fundamental shift.  I don't think that this is objectively bad, though it is subjectively excruciating.  Sometimes a change to the foundations of my life helps me focus on what is important, and often it helps me shed old, bad habits, belongings and ideas.  It opens up space I didn't know existed; sometimes I didn't want to know--didn't think I needed to know--that space existed, but there it is just the same.  The princess and the tween have been solid for me throughout this whole thing, and that has been an incredible gift.  It still sucks, though.  A lot. I would much prefer some low-level angsting about messy bedrooms instead of needing some hands to hold on to so that I can remember to breathe.

Just the same. We are here, you and I, moving forward. Still.

Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

As always, when there are really big things going on in my life I am reluctant to write about them.  So here is a list of small things that are happening in my life that are totally unrelated to the big things, which also perpetuate the idea of blogger as chronicler of minutiae.  Which I totally am.

1. My body continues to age EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Evidence: I had to switch to half-decaf coffee, I bought callous cushions for my feet, and I am ready for bed (I actually literally just typed "dead" instead of "bed," which, well, there you go) at 9pm.  Also, I might need a hearing aid, which proves that I should have listened to my mother when she told me to wear earplugs to all those heavy metal concerts.
2. The Tween has been home sick for a couple of days with a sore throat and a fever.  Because of this she missed dissecting a freeze-dried frog in science class.  Since I had to buy the frog anyway, I wonder if we could dissect it at home? Now THERE'S some family fun time.
3. I quit Facebook.  I don't even miss it, except as a thing I used to do to kill time inbetween doing other things. Sort of like smoking. Here is my reasoning, only tangentially related to Mark Zuckerberg's desire to help us all unintentionally spill our grossest secrets:  I just got tired of it.  I started to feel weird about the passive sort of friendship that FB encourages.  The people who are my actual friends are pretty much up to date on what's going on in my life, and constant status updates were ruining any conversational opportunities I might have with acquaintances... plus sucking my creative energy away from other, more literary, pursuits.  Case in point, here I am writing here.*
4. I bought a coffeemaker.  It has a timer that lets me set it to make me coffee BEFORE I WAKE UP in the morning.  So exciting! Next I'm thinking about one of these newfangled "Refrigerators" to replace my old icebox.
5. The Princess brought me up to visit her family upcoast.  I had met Mom and Sister over the winter, but Dad and Grandparents remained a mystery.  I wanted to check out the childhood haunts and see the settings for all the stories.  I did.  It was lovely; I got got sunburned and fly-bitten and disappointed by the changes to Perry's Nut House, and also got fed barbecue chicken and strawberries, and I think we're going to go back next month.

Ok, and we're done.  Safe areas of conversation fully explored.  

*Yes, the blog is literary because I said so, and just for the record your passive consumption of my thoughts is totally fine.

Housekeeping

Doin some redecoratin around here, ayuh.

Also, the lady friend will furthermore be known as tomboy princess, or TBP. By her own request.

That is all.

UPDATE: I was too early on the nickname front, and another one has developed all on its own. Princess she is and shall be.

Milestones

I need to mention that at some point this month, this blog passed the 10,000 views level. I don't know what I think about that, but there it is.

Also, I think I've passed my four-year blog anniversary, even though the site only seems to be archived to early 2006. I distinctly remember blogging about Meg Perry's death, which happened in December 2005... so there's that.

It's an exciting time here in jennyjeezland. Keep on keeping on.

Med management

So a friend asked me recently about my experience with medication, based on what I have written, and I thought it might be helpful to share my response to them here. There may be other folks wondering the same thing and not wanting to ask outright... and also I want to talk about this stuff, publicly.

Because of what I wrote before, I've actually had several people share their own experience with depression and medication, and that's been great. I think that talking is a big part of eliminating the shame around depression and anxiety... and for me, talking has helped ease some of my own disappointment that this is not something that I can treat without medication. There is such a thing as a chemical imbalance. I don't like taking a pill every day, but I can't deny that doing so makes me feel like I can exist--unlike my own untreated feelings, which sometimes make me feel like I can't exist.

I don't think that medication is a permanent solution for me, but it's a tool that I'm using (along with really active therapy, exercise, and better communications in my personal relationships) to reroute the old thought patterns that got me into trouble.

So anyway, here's what I wrote to someone asking more specifically about my experience with meds. I edited the name of the medication out because I am uncomfortable sharing my current prescriptions publicly, but if you want to know leave I'll leave my email in the comments so you can contact me and I'll tell you:

The medication I take (an SSRI) was prescribed primarily for anxiety, with the added benefit of treating my depression. I'm not sure I made that clear in the blog post... But I think that my out of control anxiety made me depressed, so treating one actually was treating the other. And for some reason it's harder to talk about anxiety than depression.

What the medication did was kind of narrow the range of my mood, but not in a bad way. So I still get anxious or depressed sometimes, as people do, but it's like the volume got turned down and the feelings/moods are manageable. The other thing that I think the medication did is to make therapy more helpful, because once the volume was down on the feelings--once I wasn't in crisis all the time any more--I was able to talk about some of the things which *cause* the feelings, and that reduced the anxiety & depression even more.

I started with ****, which is almost exactly the same thing as the thing I'm currently taking (and a lot cheaper), but the pills have lactose in them, and apparently I am extremely sensitive to it.

I have taken other medications in the past (Paxil, Wellbutrin, and imipramine), but those were only for depression, and they didn't work well enough to endure the side effects--things like difficulty being creative, sexual dysfunction, weird body sensations, and increased anxiety. I also wasn't in good therapy while I was taking them, so that makes a big difference. I don't personally believe in medication without therapy.

But while there I have had some side effects (a bit of weight gain, some forgetfulness, a change in the way my body reacts to alcohol, and some stomach sensitivity to coffee), the benefits FAR FAR outweigh them.

So, basically, it's unfortunately a bit of trial and error with medications to see what you'll tolerate best. But I would recommend talking to the doc or psychiatrist who you want to go to about what side effects you're worried about and choosing one that doesn't have many of those. I like the site at drugs.com, where you can look up medications and basically get the same info they give you in those printout things you get in the prescription bag at the drug store.

Narcotics Fun

I don't generally like to post about my personal stuff (the internet being what it is) but I am under the influence and feeling brave, so here goes...*

I have this chronic condition** and it is incredibly painful. It's the reason I had surgery last year, and my doc and I have tried a bunch of things to fix it. The side effects of the other drugs were worse than the issue itself, yadda yadda, so Doc and I have come down to plain old pain management until I'm willing to go through another surgery. Which won't happen until I get health insurance in January***.

So I took the first dose of painkillers tonight, and WOO-HOO... I can see why people really like this stuff! It's like being packed in warm cotton balls. While eating chocolate. Only better.

Hooray for lack of pain! Hooray for warm cotton balls! I think I'm going to go take a nap!

*OK, if I'm completely honest, I'm also suddenly thinking about my online presence and what it says about me. For example, Typealyzer seems to think I'm an ESTP personality type, i.e. "The active and play-ful type...especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical out-door activities. The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time." Which is weird, because I've always tested as an ISTJ, the most introverted and quiet and steady and goal-oriented of all personality types. Which makes me think about what kind of personality I'm presenting to the internets. Not that this particular post is going to change that. Also, I'm high, in case you can't tell.

**in respect for those who get all squicked out talking about medical stuff I will not go into specifics, but you can click here to learn more about it if you are the kind of person who likes to discuss medical stuff.

***If it happens at all. Surgery scares me. And laser surgery sounds particularly horrifying and future-tastic. Not in the good way.

Joy

I just subscribed to the RSS feed for the website of our president-elect. A new world is possible! Hooray for technology! (again)

Realizaton of the Day:

I can approximate the date of my enrollment in any online service by the evolution/complication of the password. Might be time to update those suckers.

Palin

I don't usually post about political things, because other bloggers are faster and better, but I have to mention this. I already disliked Palin for the obvious reasons (anti-feminist, anti-gay, pro-war), but this cements it:

Among other titles, Sarah Palin wanted the Harry Potter series banned from the Wasilla library. It’s a pretty lengthy list including Twelfth Night, Silas Marner, To Kill A Mockingbird, A Wrinkle in Time, Bridge to Terabithia, Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, and the ones you can probably guess.

(via Tomorrow Museum, my new favorite thing on the internet)

CORRECTION: OK, so that's what I get for lazy not-vetting. As Carlita and Joanne helpfully pointed out--and I would have seen if I'd read the original post carefully--Palin didn't actually try to ban these books, but instead asked about how she could go about banning books. And then apparently that thought got injected with some internet craziness and now there are lists of Palin-banned books flying around. It seems that she had the intention or interest, but not the follow-through. I still don't like her, though.

Diminishing Returns

The less I post here, the less I have to say.

Without a Net

It is as I feared, and sooner: the internet has gone away from my house, which means that my posting here will probably be scattered.

This is my first week of unemployment. The first day I was starting to get anxious about how many hours there are to be filled; I resisted taking a nap because that would have postponed bedtime, and I wanted to be asleep as soon as possible to make the day over.

Since then I've been trying to make plans with every day, rationing out walks downtown to check my PO box or visit the farmer's market. I installed a screen on the back door, worked in the garden, cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. Visited some friends. It helps that a neighbor is also recently laid off, so we take trips together downtown. Somewhere there's a worry that I will run out of projects, but I am supposing that I will find things to do. I got seven pieces of mail from the unemployment office, each one needing to be filled out and mail back: that's the better part of a morning's work right there.

A kind friend recently sent me a quote (from a book that I lent her, but never mind) that she thought I would appreciate, and she was right. It's from an essay called Blueprints and Hardwires by Cassie Peterson, from Michelle Tea's Without a Net: The Female Experience of Growing Up Working Class. I completely identify, without the Maury Povich. For me it's Season 1 of Six Feet Under.:

It's like flatlining, losing your job. From thirty-five hours a week to zero. Zero hours. Zero structure. Zero dollars. I've been unemployed before, but it was always by choice. I was emotionally and financially prepared. But when someone else pulls the plug, it sends you reeling into the now empty seven days of your work week. Anyone who's been laid off will tell you that it takes a full two weeks just to get out of your pajamas. You order a lot of take-out and watch a lot of Maury Povich.

And then the money goes. And then you get dressed.I am overwhelmed by the rigmarole of bureaucratic paperwork. I can't keep it all straight-the unemployment forms, the food-stamp applications, the drastically increasing number of ID cards that I am being forced to carry around with me. Being poor is a full-time job. Every minute the government demands that you prove your current economic status, leaving absolutely no time for you to improve it. I have to schedule job interviews between all my other red-tape appointments.

I am in a three-hour line in the social services building...I am filling out more forms. Always more forms. I use red pen, losing my patience and writing snide answers in the margins, like, 'No, I have no new income to report. Don't you fucking get it? I'm broke. Just like yesterday and the day before.' The man at the window is not amused. He shoots me a scolding look and hands me a fresh form to fill out. 'Just mark the correct boxes,' he warns.

More Kid Advice

Yes, a little glut on the blogging. Well, you know, lots of free time... and, it does look like the home internet connection will be over after this week, so I'll almost certainly be a little more spotty. So get it while it lasts. Or something.



For Daughter's birthday (in August) I bought her a subscription to New Moon, an alternative magazine for girls. Alternative, that is, to magazines like Seventeen, Vogue, Glamour, whatever. I don't think she won't read these magazines (she absolutely loves Tiger Beat, for example) but I'd like to give her some other things to think about.

Feministe has a great series of posts this week about how to address these awful magazines with your teen and tween girls.

Today's advice:

* Ask her what she thinks is real and unreal in each issue. It can be a game to score how much fakery there is from month to month - is the magazine getting more fake or more real?
* Are the photos altered? (Show her this example of how photo manipulation makes an average looking woman into the fake perfection we see in magazines.)
* Count how many of the total pages are ads (often more than 50%). What are the ads selling?
* In its subject matter, does the magazine leave out things that she cares about and that are on her mind? What are those things?
* Ask her what effect she thinks an article or ad is trying to have on readers.
* Ask her how she feels (different from what she thinks) after looking at or reading an article or ad. Listen without judging or arguing about what she says.
* Tell her how you feel (give her your feelings - angry, sad, afraid, guilty - not your thoughts) after looking at or reading a different article or ad.
* Express your opinions (thoughts) about the articles and ads.
* Provide her with alternative magazines like New Moon and Teen Voices by subscribing and keeping them in the house all the time. Having them available is like having healthy food in the kitchen. Even if she might always want to eat pop tarts, it’s not the only food we provide!

I like it. Of course, you have to take the time to have these conversations, look your kid in the eye, and listen to what they have to say. If you're doing that already, even if you don't use those questions, your girl will probably be fine.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

When you're gay-for-pay, like me, June is the month that your doctor hands you a bottle of valium and says, "have fun, sugar." Or, rather, you wish she did. If she's like my doctor she says something like, "have you ever thought about yoga?" To which I would like to reply, "yes, I think about yoga a lot. Would you like to provide some free childcare while I go?" But mostly I just nod and try to look thoughtful.

Anyway, what I meant to say was that sometime over the next four weeks I will likely have a complete brain meltdown due to the many convergences of my life (5th grade graduation, pride, other work stuff, presentation of work created by youth supposedly under my supervision). To avoid the dreaded brain collapse syndrome I am taking some precautions:

1. ample supply of valerian pills and sleepytime tea
2. season 2 of will & grace on dvd
3. a stack of novels that are absolutely not related to being queer
4. a little extra money set aside to buy dinner out more than once a month
5. taking a break from some of my extra activities

And sadly, my internet friends, #5 has a direct impact on our relationship. So, we could say, "let's take some time off and check back in a month." Of course, when I have said that to actual people with whom I have actual relationships, I almost never see them again. But I trust that you'll be here waiting, right? I might swing by a few times before then, but no promises.

But I'll have rice krispie treats when I come back, OK?

Video Store Conundrum

If you think that my writing about the video store takes up a disproportionate amount of this blog, you'd be right. Sort of. I mean, I think the video store should take up zero percent of anybody's blog, and at the same time I can't help myself.

I was at the video store with Daughter a little while ago, treating myself to a the next disk of The Wire. Season 4 is creeping up faster than I'd like. Anyway, this video store has a deal on Thursday nights that you get one movie free with any rental, and if they like you they often charge for the cheaper one and give the new release free.

So I was essentially forced to find another movie. While I was perusing the new releases and the Top 60 shelf, I found myself having a meta-experience, analyzing my movie choice process. (And this is the point at which those who hate navel-gazing click away to naked pictures of Rachael Ray or something. Go ahead. Catch you later.)

My strategy is hampered by the fact that I am in denial about what I actually like for movies. I actually like crime movies, hip foreign films, and everything in the Juno-You And Me And Everyone We Know-Junebug-The Squid and the Whale genre. What do you even call that? Indie? If it has the little Cannes leaf design on it, I'm drawn to it.

I wish that I liked horror movies (I very much like horror books) but I find them too scary. I also wish that I liked documentaries more, but I don't like anything that looks too smug, and documentaries often do.

Comedies? No. Never. I am far. too. serious.

Kids movies? Unfortunately, sometimes. Though not by choice.

Tonight's Selections?








So it goes.

Like a New Caddy

I know, posts have been a little thin lately. That's because, as you know, I suffered a Terrible Computer Tragedy some months ago. This weekend, however, I purchased a new computer. As soon as I recover from the sticker shock I should be back to regular posting.

This new computer is swell, but I'm still deeply involved with replacing all of my programs.

Missing

I forget how much technology has become a part of my life until I don't have it. Hm... kind of like privilege in that way... you take it for granted unless you don't have it.

Case in point: my computer came down with a nasty virus despite my dedication to safe computing practices, and I had to send it away to get fixed. During the week and a half without it, I felt like every commercial with a website, every time someone said they'd email me, was an arrow directly into my chest. The world is a different place for people without regular access to computers. It's a good thing to keep in mind.

Which is just the short way of saying: computer, I've missed you. Don't go away again.

All Joking Aside

You'd never guess it from reading this blog, but it's been a pretty serious Fall over at the Jen household. The implosion of my live-in relationship, health issues and surgery, some challenges at work and financial squeezing, and then the fucking darkness and ugliness of this time of year have all conspired to make me feel, well, more than a little blue.

I don't talk about it too much, because it's not often appropriate to work "so, hey, I'm experiencing depression" into a casual conversation. I'm trying to lean into the feeling, as a friend recently suggested, acknowledge the reality of what's happening and honor it. But it's a scary thing to lean into, friends, and I'm resisting that advice. Almost as scary as writing about it here and knowing that you will be reading it.

It also has to do with my connotations of this time of year. It's just death. Everyone I know who has died has done it in the late fall/early winter season, and with the dying garden, the browning world, the coldness--it all speaks to me of the temporary nature of our time here, of the sadness of things passing on. Today, for example, is the second anniversary of my friend Meg's death. S and I marked the day appropriately, I think: I lit some candles and then we danced and made brownies, because Meg loved fun intensely.

There are some good things happening this winter (my birthday, holiday gatherings, graduation) and I'm looking forward to welcoming back the sun on the solstice, but for now I'm just feeling... mortal.

And leaning... leaning...